I was tremendously blessed with two parents that loved each other and worked their nails to the bones to ensure that my little brother and I had every need and desires fulfilled. My happiest times are honestly the ones that included the four of us - church, camping, trips to the creek, small vacations, yard football, yard baseball, ball games, school functions, activites, family gatherings, etc. My daddy always had a good job. He worked offshore and then became an 18-wheeler truck driver. My mother was a stay-at-home mom, but worked through our local school district as a bus driver and substitute teacher to make extra money until we got into junior high-school. My brother and I never had to stay in a day-care facility and we were only babysat by family on few occassions when our parents needed some quality time for themselves. This unity was my security and my link to defining who I felt that I was while growing up. I do remember some of the challenges faced in my family, but I think I was "protected" from most of them while growing up. The first challenge I remember was the loss of my close, 14-year-old first cousin, Lori Lynn Bond. I had just turned 16-years-old, so our ages were very close. She was the daughter of my mother's sister, Shirley Bond. The was a devasting loss to our family and we all are still healing from Lori Lynn's loss. I still continue to dream of her and will carry my childhood memories that have her in them with me, from now on. A comforting memory I have from dealing with her loss was when my brother and I slept with our daddy and mama for a few nights. There we were - the four of us sleeping in the same bed. I remember I did not want to be anywhere else.
As years passed on, my parents started having marital trouble. These troubles had been going on for a long time, I think. But, they started to become apparent when I was in high-school. I tried to ignore it, but deep down inside, I knew my shelter and security was falling apart. My heart hurt mostly for my younger brother, because I wondered what to do and how it would unfold. As I went off to junior college, I began learning more about myself and entered a whole new era of discoveries - good and bad. I wanted to forget about my home troubles and do anything I could to not think about it. I thought it would go away, if I would just not face it. I was losing my security, my family unity, and the only identity I ever knew. My heart was shattered and became numb to what I knew was the truth about my parents deciding to divorce. I will always regret how I immediately handled my parents' divorce, because the person that needed me the most was back at home - my younger brother. I was too immature and did not realize his need until later on. I had to "grow up" in order to be able to mentally be there for him and I am still not sure if I was a sufficient individual, even when I realized he needed me. I have prayed to God to please allow me to be that "big sister" for him.
My younger brother, Jason and me. April 2009.
February 2, 2003. This date will always haunt me. I will never get over this date. This was the ultimate emotional blow that I think I have ever had to face. On this day, my Daddy lost his life in a car wreck on I59, as he was headed home from Hattiesburg. He was the passenger of the vehicle that wrecked. He was ejected from the vehicle and his body was slammed against a tree next to the interstate. His body laid there in the freezing cold, until emergency officials showed up. His cowboy boots were slung off during the ejection. My Daddy was not a fan of seatbelts, so he did not have one on. However, we were told by officials that had he worn the seatbelt, he might still be alive, but he would be in a vegetable state or paralyzed, because of how tragic the wreck was on the passenger side of the car. I had not long been married when this happened. My Aunt Vickie called our house very early that morning and explained that Daddy had been involved in a wreck and that we needed to get to Forrest General Hospital as soon as we could. She stated that she and other family were also coming. I jumped in the shower screaming and shaking. Even though I did not know anything for sure, I felt lost. I could hear my Daddy saying my name while I was in the shower.... I knew, without it being confirmed. I screamed and begged God to please not let this be happening and be true. I asked God to let this be a nightmare.... I finally put my clothes on. When I got ready, my husband had his cousin Maegan and his parents already at our house and prepared to go to the hospital with us. We arrived to the hospital Emergency Room Dept. and I tried to ask the receptionist for information. She kept telling me that she knew nothing. I lashed out at her, through my purse at the wall - with all of my family standing there watching - and, then I got kicked out of the ER. I will always be humiliated at myself for handling it this way. I was just so upset and heartbroke. I wanted my Daddy and she could not tell me anything or give him to me. This was not her fault, though, and I have prayed to God for forgiveness in my insane actions that day. My family followed me outside of the hospital where I just lost myself. I think I even fell down - I can not remember. I vaguely remember my younger brother's face. That look will always break my heart. I do not remember much after that, but I do remember seeing my brother's hurt and knowing I could not help him. I remember yelling and screaming at my helplessness - I lost myself. I lost a huge piece of my heart that will never be returned. This little girl lost a part of her that day - her Daddy. The next tormental act was calling my Mama. She and my Daddy had been divorced, but they were high-school sweethearts and were married for most of their adult lives. I will never forget this.... Using my cellular phone, I dialed my Mama's phone number.... "Hello..." said, my Mother. I explained to Mama while crying and screaming about Daddy. The next thing I heard was my Mama yelling and then she through the phone. I waited for her and she got back on the phone, losing it like I had been losing it. She was devasted and screamed out, "No! No! No! Not my Rocky!" There is a lot that I just cannot remember. I have tried, but it is all black and blank....But, I will never forget having to tell my Mama about my Daddy. Picking out Daddy's clothes for his funeral and making the arrangements are all blurry. The funeral itself is not fully clear to me. I try to remember pieces of it, bit it is all not clear. The aftermath of Daddy's funeral is still fuzzy, as well. Even though I have managed to pick myself up off of that hospital parking lot on that nightmare day, I am still struggling with dealing with his loss and making life what it needs to be for my family.
Tractor ride with my Daddy.
Dancing with my Daddy at school dance during
my Senior year of high-school.
Later on that year.... we lost our first pregnancy and then were told we had a slim chance of conceiving again and me being able to carry the baby to full term. My already shattered heart, became shattered again. My only chance of moving towards "life" to what I needed it to be was going to God and begging for mercy, and that is exactly what I did. I remember begging God to tell my Daddy that I missed him and that I just could not handle this. Finally.... Daddy came to me in a dream. The room was solid white, as to what I can recall. Daddy looked very young. He had on drape-type apparel and I remember thinking, "Daddy, what happened to your jeans, boots, and flannel shirt?!" Of course, those were just my immediate thoughts. Daddy told me, "Everything is going to be ok. She is with me and she helped you." He lifted up a very small, curly blonde-headed girl that had on the same drape-type apparel and he walked away, carrying her. I woke up with tears and swollen eyes that next morning and felt overwhelmed! I have always wondered if that was the baby that I loss. I do not know and realize that only God knows, but I will never forget this dream and encounter with my Daddy. In addition to this dream, I experienced many emotional encounters while praying to God and begging for Him to help me and I remember asking Him at times if he forgot about me. I remember asking Him what had I done. I had to get this out of me. The issues I had to deal with had to reach its peak and I had to lay it out to God, so that I could face it and realize what it had done to me and what it would continue doing to me, if I allowed it to. This did not happen in one prayer, one day, one night, or even one week - this happened many, many times. About a few months after losing the baby, I remember waking up one morning and feeling an overwhelming peace within myself. My husband had already left for work. I got up out of bed and cried out to God with thanks. I felt like so many weights and hurts and been removed and I honestly cannot explain it in words. I got dressed for work and went to work jamming out to the loudest, most uplifting music in my truck that morning. I smiled and I felt like everyone around me was smiling back. That night at supper, I told my husband that I had finally accepted God's will on us and our chance for having children. I told him I did want to continue seeing our doctor to improve any possible chances, but that I would accept any outcome. He agreed. We soon began looking at house plans and land, and I even considerd returning back to school at that time. By Christmas of that terrible year.... I became pregnant with our first-born son, Cole. After learning that I was expecting Cole, I had another memorable dream and encounter with Daddy. Dreams are always "fuzzy", when remembering them. In the dream, I was riding in an old blue, Ford truck with Daddy. Daddy had an old, blue Ford truck that is with my brother today. Daddy had on cut-off denim shorts and an old muscle shirt. He looked young and his hair was a lighter shade of blonde. He was smiling and pointing at the pretty fields, the river, and the big cabins. Then, he pointed at a huge, golden castle. He said, "Amy, this place has nothing on Mississippi! I want you to know that I am finally at rest and that I am not worried about a thing." At that point, it dawned on me that Daddy was actually dead, and not alive on earth. I asked him, "Daddy, what are you doing here? You're not alive, Daddy..." He said, "No, but I just wanted you to know that everything is ok and that you still have a lot to do." At that point, I looked down and realized I was riding in the truck with Daddy and had on P.J.'s I was embarrassed because I did not have on clothes! That is the last I can remember of that particular dream, or encounter with Daddy. I woke up crying and realized that the P.J.'s that I had been sleeping in were the same ones I had on while riding in the truck with Daddy. I needed that encounter with Daddy during that dream. Whether it was all in my mind or part of what God was allowing me have, I needed it, so bad.... I embraced my pregnancy with Cole with so much hope and thankfulness. There are no words for how I felt when I first heard his cry and got to hold that precious angel from God, that was also a part of my Daddy and what I had lost that previous year. A year later, we learned that our second-born daughter was on her way. Through the heartbreak, black, blank areas, God's promises are true. The plan that is laid out before us may seem tragic and dreadful, but He hears us and knows what is best. Had we not been able to conceive on our own, I have confidence that I would have been ok and I was already prepared to accept this as God's plan for me. But, I am so thankful He gave me a chance.
Cole, Kara, & Tango. Christmas 2011
Nine years have passed since my Daddy left this earth and passed over the Jordan River into his Heavenly home. He is probably strolling on the golden streets or sitting out on the back porch of his "cabin castle" in God's Kingdom today and watching the horses of Heaven graze on the most glorious pastures. He might even be fishing with Lori Lynn in the most heavenly river - I still miss that man like crazy, either way. I get so mad at him for leaving when he did, but I have to remember that this was God's plan and that there will be a day when I will say my good-byes on this earth, too. I think about when I get to see Daddy's smile on that day for me. Goodness! I do not know if I will run, dance, or knock him down when I get to see him! Seeing my Heavenly Father, only King, and Saviour will a moment that I look forward to, so very much. I cannot wait to bow down and worship my King in His presence! I cannot wait to see his hands, that were nailed and scarred for me and then to physically touch His holy face..... Then, seeing my earthly Daddy will be another moment for me ..... This is our hope! "Oh, glorious day....."
There are some other obstacles that have occurred, along with other challenges that have been a part of molding and shaping me. I may add them to this at some later time. The ones that I have added here are the ones that I felt let to immediately share. Who knows if anyone will ever read this? Some may laugh and some may be in shock that I shared this. That is ok. I hope and pray that this may be an encourager and uplifter for anyone that has or is going through similar situations, as mine. The thing that I ask is that no one have any pity, but for you to please be encourager to someone else that has an emotional need and is crying out to feel God's love and mercy. The losses and emotional roller coaster that I have experienced has been a part of the road for me to travel and I am still on my journey down this road. I am sure there may be other "emotional bumps" on this road and I have continue my best to try to prepare for that. I am slowly putting the pieces of my heart and myself back together.
Spradley Family
Christmas Picture, 2010
On a positive note, I am thankful for the time that I did get to have with my Daddy. I would not trade a ride in his truck or his fishing boat for anything extravagent in this earthly world! Thank-you, God, for giving him to me as my earthly Daddy during the time he was on this earth.
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