This past Sunday evening, my husband and I caught the last hour of the yearly Miss America pageant. While I admit that I have always enjoyed watching the pretty girls present their beauty and talent on t.v., I am honestly not a huge fan of pageantry. My mother can witness this for me because when I was little, I pitched a fit in my first beauty pageant, simply because I did not like it. I did attempt a few additional beauty pageants in the years to follow that, but I mostly did it to enjoy getting dressed up with my friends that were doing them at that time period. Honestly speaking, if it had not been for a couple of the friends, I would not have even entered the pageants. Later on, I even have had the opportunity to assist a couple of my friends with some local pageants by serving as a judge for make-up and talent. I enjoyed being on that side of stage a lot more than being on the stage. Of course, that has been some years back. ;-) Now that I have a little girl of my own, we have chosen to not force her when it comes to pageantry. I chose not to run out there and put her in the baby beauty pageants and I did not put her in them when she was still in the toddler age, either - mainly, I am just not a big fan of the competitive beauty pageants and I have not wanted her to develop the mindset at an early age that beauty pageants are the only source of beauty within a person. To the parents that have chosen to go this route, please take no offense to this. Honestly, I love to see those precious little babies all dressed up and I respect any mama's decision that decides to pursue this path with their little girl. "To each his own." ;-)
As far as beauty pageants today and my daughter, we allow her to enroll in the pageant that is held yearly at her school. She looks forward to it each year and she absolutely loves getting dressed up and being with her friends. She calls it, "Her Day As A Princess" and that is how we look at it. Currently, the pageant that is held at her school has an awarding concept that we think is fitting for girls in the elementary grades. Every little girl leaves with a princess crown or some type of reward. Then, the judges award the girls in Top 10 and then Top 5. Those girls are given a special crown that looks very similar to the girls that received the princess crowns. All of these little girls leave with a type of crown and usually seem to feel like a fairy princess. They feel worthy, their self-esteem is lifted, and they get to make sweet memories with their peers from school that will last a life-time. We have no objection to our daughter participating in this type of pageant. As far as being in any other type of pageants, like I previously stated, our daughter has not participated in them. When our daughter gets older, if she wants to further pursue pageantry, we will consider it. But, for now, we are enjoying our little girl just as she is - a little girl. There will be plenty of days where she will be stressing about her looks as we are headed for those pre-teen and teen years. But, before we hit that state, I want my little girl to understand the meaning of true beauty being within a person and not what is on the outside. I want her to understand that everything and everyone God creates is beautiful in Him, first. For those mamas that do go all of the way with pageantry with their little ones, compete to the highest level, and travel, I respect your decision of staying committed to this. I honestly would not know which direction to turn in. ;-)
Back to our Miss America pageant from this past weekend- When we managed to catch the last hour, the judges were displaying the Top 15 - I think it was the Top 15, but I could be wrong. We saw that our home state's girl was up there, Miss Mississippi. Of course, we were rooting for her to go all of the way. She looked radiant and represented our state very gracefully. We continued watching the talent and beauty, even after she was removed for moving on towards the crowning. The winner was a gorgeous dark-haired, dark complected Indian-American and her origin country is India. She looked amazing! At that time, I decided to prepare to turn my phone off for the evening and checked my facebook real quick. I immediately saw the controversy over her winning that pageant. I over-looked the statuses, because I usually try not to pay much attention to those types of statuses on there and I instead focus on prayer requests, praise reports, pictures, etc. I have just tried my best stay away from any negativity on there and I looked at those statuses as negativity.
As a few days went by, the controversy over her race and her being given the title of Miss America was still being tapped into the media. I just want to yell out, "Ok, people! Let's move on to bigger things here!" I look at the remarks over her race as a pathetic distraction to what is really going on in our country. Here is why: Our country is considered as a mixed country, or another term used for it is, the melting pot. Pretty much, we see all races and cultures every where and it is becoming the norm. When we take a few steps back into history, we can see how and why all of the different races and cultures chose to come and be in America. With an exception to the African races, simply because their own kind originally sold them to Americans to be slaves. They would have probably rather stayed in Africa at the time, instead of coming into America as slaves. When they arrived here, they were treated terrible, unfair, inhumane, and severely mistreated and a lot of changes and progress have paved the way for them to have a better living in America. However, for today's time period, the ancestors of those slaves are probably much better off in America than if they would have been born in Africa. On a positive note, they reflect what this country was originally suppose to reflect and this has made a way for all cultures in this country to live and thrive today as they do.... So, why are we still rewinding and pointing a racist finger at this lady that was crowned to represent our country as Miss America?
Our country is in terrible shape financially. Our country is facing the chance that our military may be preparing for was in Syria. We have children that are abducted and sold into sexual slavery. We have elderly that are in desperate need of health care, but they can not afford it, even though they worked and paid into Social Security for a number of years. We have people that are barely making ends meet, struggling to pay their power bills, and trying to feed their children. Just this past weekend, a young woman that is well-known in my area lost her life due to bloodclot after giving birth to a new baby last week. Now, her husband will have to raise their baby boy without her. Seriously. Why is this racist finger being pointed at this young, pretty lady that won the Miss America pageant? If she were not qualified, than surely that would have been determined prior to her entering her state's pageant and being given the opportuntiy to move forward to compete in the national title. Does she have a criminal record? Is she over here illegally? Surely, these are things that were determined long before she entered any pageant. If she is in our country legally, is not a criminal, and is representing her state as she should, then good for that girl! Some have stated that she is not a real American. Well, neither were any of our ancestors when they arrived here a couple hundred of years ago, so what does that make us?
If any race, cultural background, religion, or political background thinks they are more deserving or more blessed by God than any other, they may need to sit down and do some soul searching and allow God to come into their hearts. Not 1 race out there is more deserving of anything at all, than any other. Not 1 race out there is more worhty of anything at all, than any other. Not 1 race should be considered more special, than any other. Not 1 race out there should have to pay any penalty for another race. Our Lord paid all of our penalties for us a long time ago on the cross and He is the only one that can judge us all. He created all of us in His image and painted us differently for a special purpose for His kingdom. God makes no junk and He makes no mistakes. What a magestic God we have when we see how He wants us to paint tribal picture within His kingdom! When you allow this side of our Lord into your heart and you study the tribes, you see His beauty in creating our different races. No where does it say that we are allowed to not accept them, discriminate, hate, mistreat, and enslave. But, His word commands us to LOVE. Does it say that we are to choose which race we are to show LOVE and be neighborly to? There is a reason for Him creating us all as He did. My skin is white, because that is what He wanted for me. An Indian has a brown colored skin, because that is what He wanted for them, just the same as with any other color of skin. How disgraceful of us to think that one skin color is better than the other or to think that a specific skin color is beneath the other. We are all God's and we all belong to Him. "For every beast of the forest is mine and the cattle upon a thousand hills." - Psalm 50:10.
So, as I think of that Miss America beauty pageant, I am honestly disappointed in how this pageant put this beautiful lady in this type of position. I surely hope that they took up for her and are offering her support in this situation. She should not have to explain herself and feel demeanored by participating in this pageant. Our country is facing so many challenges right now. Should we allow ourselves to put so much emphasis on any pageant, even if it is the Miss America pageant? We should all be hitting our knees, praying to God for mercy, direction, and to allow Him to be in all of our hearts every day. If our country is more worried about racial differences within this pageant that our imminent challenges we are facing, then we seriously need to look at ourselves in the mirror and go have a little talk with Jesus. God bless us all.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
In the Light of Brokenness
This journey of "mama-hood" has taught me so many lessons and has made me realize so many things that I never thought about prior to becoming a Mother. When our first miracle was born (Cole), I had all of these expectations and had a plan of how I wanted it to be for my baby and me - But, wait a minute! Whoah, there Nellie! Did Cole teach me otherwise after his arrival into my world! ;-) But, that's ok! I have loved every minute of being his Mama, from the time I learned I was carrying him beneath my heart, to this very moment! He is my favorite, special boy. I quickly learned that he would get that runny nose, that he would cough, that he would get an upset tummy, that he would bump that precious head, that he would scratch that cute little knee, that he would experience missing me after starting pre-K, that he would feel left out at times, that he would not feel like he was like everybody else, that he would feel like things never went the way he wanted them to, that he would feel like he couldn't always win, that he would not always get picked to do things, that he would realize that life isn't always fair.... Yes, as Mamas, we have to face the fact that these downer moments ARE going to come and there isn't a bubble that we can put them in to protect them.
As most of our family and friends know, Cole had an accident on Oct. 7th and broke his elbow. We had been spending the day doing one of our favorites - riding horses. We had had such an awesome day! The weather was crisp and cool with the first kiss of Fall in the air and it felt amazing! The horses were "feeling good" from it, as well. Our nephew, Dalton, spent the day riding with us and it was almost a "too perfect" day. Dalton is 3 years older than Cole and they have grown up like a "big brother, little brother" pair (even though they're just 1st cousins) that have shared the love of horses, while both have dreams of being the next Roy Rogers. ;-) Both of these boys being able to ride together is such a fun, but also special time for them. They had so much fun riding during that day. I look back on it now and I still smile at knowing how much they were enjoying themselves. Ok..... back to that day... The boys are riding and Kara was following right behind, as always. She can't let them 2 have all of the fun! ;-) She was riding her palomino pony that she claims is her best friend for life, 'Lil Bit. I remember finding myself in the moment of watching them... riding, laughing, talking, petting their horses and just enjoying their time. Tom was continuously reminding them, like he always does all of us when riding, "Hold on! Pay attention to what's ahead! Stay in tuned to your horse, because he/she could do anything at any time! Look at your surroundings. Look for holes in the ground!" ..... When it comes to riding, we're very protective and even like to break out the protective gear - helmets, the magic seat, and our usual "OCD-ness" of hounding the kids about paying attention to everything. Then.... Just like that, I turned around to look at something on the other side of me and then....
Suddenly, I heard Kara crying/screaming and the sound of her mini-pony's gallop coming faster than I think I've ever heard her. The look on her face is still in my mind. Poor baby - She has minor speech issues and I was trying to figure out what had her so upset, and realized quickly that it was about Cole. I ran as fast as I could to get to where Cole and Dalton were. I got to Cole and he was just laying on the ground - no cry, no moan. He just looked up at me with a pitiful face. I knew something was wrong because he wouldn't get up. I asked him if he was ok. He said, "Mama, I'm ok. My arm hurts so bad, though. Can you please grab my horse for me?" His medium-sized pony (Rocket) was just standing there looking at us. By this time, Tom had made it to us and he grabbed Rocket. Tom asked Cole to get on up and to shake it off. I told Tom to wait a minute and that I needed to take Cole's hoodie off and look him over first, so I told Cole that I wanted to help him get up off of the ground. I eased Cole up on both feet and went to take the hoodie off. I saw his elbow, dangling in an awkard way from his arm and I knew immediately that it was broken. Tom saw it and yelled, "Oh, no! It's broke!" I grabbed Cole and yelled, "Take care of Dalton, Kara, and the horses. I'm gone to the ER with Cole!" So, off to the ER Cole and I went!
Meanwhile, Tom was calming down Dalton and Kara. He got the horses gathered and put away. Then he decided to thoroughly check out Rocket to see if he had any possible medical issues that may have promoted him to buck out all of the sudden with Cole riding - especially after we had rode a good while. He even thought that with the Fall season starting that Rocket may have stepped into a hornets' nest that was bedding up in the ground - which, who knows, but horse folks know that anything is possible and that anything can happen. According to Tom as of now, Rocket must have gotten hyped up from the newly cold weather that had blown in that day and was feeling frisky. Cole got caught off-guard when Rocket got hyped up and when he bucked in his excitement, he went to the ground.
At the E.R...... Cole had to have surgery to repair his elbow that lasted till after midnight that night. His elbow has 3 pins in it and we left with a white soft cast to return home. Cole had to miss 3 days of school until we got a hard cast on. We returned to the surgeon at his clinic that Wednesday and Cole got a green cast in representation of his football team, the Calhoun Jets. The following week, we returned to the clinic and Cole got his green cast cut off and the stitches taken out and got a red cast on. We will return next week to see if the pins are ready to come out and go from there, according to the dr.
So, what are we doing about this whole cast on the arm situation now? The big challenge for us is his bath time. He has been a "big boy " for the past few years and has taken his own baths. So, we've had to accomodate bath time for him and protecting the casted arm while I help him bathe. Boy, what an adjustment!!! On another note, this thing as a whole has not slowed him down much. He is still trying to figure out how he can do things everyday and is doing an awesome job! He has had to miss the last 3 games with his football team and is unable to ride his pony, of course. Yes, this has bummed him out. It has broken my heart for him and I have wished that I could just "fix" this really quick - but, it doesn't happen that way.
Cole realizing the importance of horsemanship safety..... Cole has explained to us how he has realized that he should've held on to Rocket with his legs and in better preparation for anything that could happen. He had gotten too comfortable in that saddle and got caught off guard, which can happen to anyone at any time when riding. While some people may look down on us for allowing our kids to learn to ride and feeling sorry for Cole that he got hurt in doing so, we hope they realize that this isn't something we just up and picked up to do as a hobby overnight. This is something that my husband has done his whole life, he has been trained by others while he was growing up, and his world has pretty much always revolved around horsemanship since he was a toddler. Even though I have never received professional training in horsemanship and I didn't grow up on the "rodeo road", I have been around horses all of my life and had the opportunity of regularly being around them through my parents, grandparents, and some of my cousins and close friends who did rodeo as I was growing up. Therefore, with the experience and knowledge that we do have, we've tried our best to prepare and teach our children about safety and horsemanship and will always continue to do so, as long as we're living and can do it. This is not just something we're enjoying for the moment - it's a part of our livelihood and we all have a heart for it and we're allowing ourselves to learn more and more about horsemanship each day, as with any activity or livelihood of one's life. An important factor to remember is that anyone - including young children - OUR children we love and want to protect so much - can get hurt participating in any hobby or activity that they're enjoying. Football, baseball, basketball, soccer, karate, gym, dance class, riding horses - they can even get in an accident at the park or playground during leisure time. This something that I've realized that I've just had to be ok with and I'm praying that others see it this way, as well.
As most of our family and friends know, Cole had an accident on Oct. 7th and broke his elbow. We had been spending the day doing one of our favorites - riding horses. We had had such an awesome day! The weather was crisp and cool with the first kiss of Fall in the air and it felt amazing! The horses were "feeling good" from it, as well. Our nephew, Dalton, spent the day riding with us and it was almost a "too perfect" day. Dalton is 3 years older than Cole and they have grown up like a "big brother, little brother" pair (even though they're just 1st cousins) that have shared the love of horses, while both have dreams of being the next Roy Rogers. ;-) Both of these boys being able to ride together is such a fun, but also special time for them. They had so much fun riding during that day. I look back on it now and I still smile at knowing how much they were enjoying themselves. Ok..... back to that day... The boys are riding and Kara was following right behind, as always. She can't let them 2 have all of the fun! ;-) She was riding her palomino pony that she claims is her best friend for life, 'Lil Bit. I remember finding myself in the moment of watching them... riding, laughing, talking, petting their horses and just enjoying their time. Tom was continuously reminding them, like he always does all of us when riding, "Hold on! Pay attention to what's ahead! Stay in tuned to your horse, because he/she could do anything at any time! Look at your surroundings. Look for holes in the ground!" ..... When it comes to riding, we're very protective and even like to break out the protective gear - helmets, the magic seat, and our usual "OCD-ness" of hounding the kids about paying attention to everything. Then.... Just like that, I turned around to look at something on the other side of me and then....
Suddenly, I heard Kara crying/screaming and the sound of her mini-pony's gallop coming faster than I think I've ever heard her. The look on her face is still in my mind. Poor baby - She has minor speech issues and I was trying to figure out what had her so upset, and realized quickly that it was about Cole. I ran as fast as I could to get to where Cole and Dalton were. I got to Cole and he was just laying on the ground - no cry, no moan. He just looked up at me with a pitiful face. I knew something was wrong because he wouldn't get up. I asked him if he was ok. He said, "Mama, I'm ok. My arm hurts so bad, though. Can you please grab my horse for me?" His medium-sized pony (Rocket) was just standing there looking at us. By this time, Tom had made it to us and he grabbed Rocket. Tom asked Cole to get on up and to shake it off. I told Tom to wait a minute and that I needed to take Cole's hoodie off and look him over first, so I told Cole that I wanted to help him get up off of the ground. I eased Cole up on both feet and went to take the hoodie off. I saw his elbow, dangling in an awkard way from his arm and I knew immediately that it was broken. Tom saw it and yelled, "Oh, no! It's broke!" I grabbed Cole and yelled, "Take care of Dalton, Kara, and the horses. I'm gone to the ER with Cole!" So, off to the ER Cole and I went!
Meanwhile, Tom was calming down Dalton and Kara. He got the horses gathered and put away. Then he decided to thoroughly check out Rocket to see if he had any possible medical issues that may have promoted him to buck out all of the sudden with Cole riding - especially after we had rode a good while. He even thought that with the Fall season starting that Rocket may have stepped into a hornets' nest that was bedding up in the ground - which, who knows, but horse folks know that anything is possible and that anything can happen. According to Tom as of now, Rocket must have gotten hyped up from the newly cold weather that had blown in that day and was feeling frisky. Cole got caught off-guard when Rocket got hyped up and when he bucked in his excitement, he went to the ground.
At the E.R...... Cole had to have surgery to repair his elbow that lasted till after midnight that night. His elbow has 3 pins in it and we left with a white soft cast to return home. Cole had to miss 3 days of school until we got a hard cast on. We returned to the surgeon at his clinic that Wednesday and Cole got a green cast in representation of his football team, the Calhoun Jets. The following week, we returned to the clinic and Cole got his green cast cut off and the stitches taken out and got a red cast on. We will return next week to see if the pins are ready to come out and go from there, according to the dr.
So, what are we doing about this whole cast on the arm situation now? The big challenge for us is his bath time. He has been a "big boy " for the past few years and has taken his own baths. So, we've had to accomodate bath time for him and protecting the casted arm while I help him bathe. Boy, what an adjustment!!! On another note, this thing as a whole has not slowed him down much. He is still trying to figure out how he can do things everyday and is doing an awesome job! He has had to miss the last 3 games with his football team and is unable to ride his pony, of course. Yes, this has bummed him out. It has broken my heart for him and I have wished that I could just "fix" this really quick - but, it doesn't happen that way.
Cole realizing the importance of horsemanship safety..... Cole has explained to us how he has realized that he should've held on to Rocket with his legs and in better preparation for anything that could happen. He had gotten too comfortable in that saddle and got caught off guard, which can happen to anyone at any time when riding. While some people may look down on us for allowing our kids to learn to ride and feeling sorry for Cole that he got hurt in doing so, we hope they realize that this isn't something we just up and picked up to do as a hobby overnight. This is something that my husband has done his whole life, he has been trained by others while he was growing up, and his world has pretty much always revolved around horsemanship since he was a toddler. Even though I have never received professional training in horsemanship and I didn't grow up on the "rodeo road", I have been around horses all of my life and had the opportunity of regularly being around them through my parents, grandparents, and some of my cousins and close friends who did rodeo as I was growing up. Therefore, with the experience and knowledge that we do have, we've tried our best to prepare and teach our children about safety and horsemanship and will always continue to do so, as long as we're living and can do it. This is not just something we're enjoying for the moment - it's a part of our livelihood and we all have a heart for it and we're allowing ourselves to learn more and more about horsemanship each day, as with any activity or livelihood of one's life. An important factor to remember is that anyone - including young children - OUR children we love and want to protect so much - can get hurt participating in any hobby or activity that they're enjoying. Football, baseball, basketball, soccer, karate, gym, dance class, riding horses - they can even get in an accident at the park or playground during leisure time. This something that I've realized that I've just had to be ok with and I'm praying that others see it this way, as well.
In another sense of all of this, I have to share how Cole has "wowed" me in all of this. While his accident has frustrated me and I've wished that I could just fling out my Super Mama wand and fix his broken elbow, he has been in such awesome spirits! Of course, he's been bummed out, like I previously stated. But, he's expressed more patience than I have, is trying to figure out new ways to still do things for himself without asking for help, and talking about how he's looking forward to what all he's going to do when he gets his cast off. He's staying positive and looking ahead, which is such an inspiration to this Mama! (I love you, my Cole-man!)
How does Cole feel about riding again? That's the million dollar question that we're getting from so many. The answer.... He can't wait to climb back into the saddle. He would do it with the cast on, if we would allow. But, we've explained to him that he must be healed completely before climbing back up. He's ok with that. He's just ready to continue following his dreams and doing what he loves doing.
Cole sitting in the back of his daddy's truck
while at the Spradley Family Reunion, Oct. 2012
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Trying To Put the Pieces Back Together
"Amy, you've been through situations that most middle-aged and elderly people have been through..." - A close, dear, child-hood friend of mine told me this a few years back. When she told me this, I was speechless. I was not offended in any way by what she told me. Her telling me this made me take a glimpse at some of the things that had happened in recent years that obviously made her have this viewpoint. I honestly think she was telling me this in a passionate and caring way and I appreciated her for sharing that with me. Emotionally distraught and weak people need all of the lifting up they can get and those that truly care for them will offer it, regardless. I am not sharing this post to have a pity party or to grab some attention. I am actually the opposite of attracting any attention, being on the spot-light, and I definitely do not want any pity. I really do not want to share this post. Recently, I had a dream about sharing this information and the thought of sharing it keeps entering my mind. Therefore, I feel led to share it. Perhaps there are others that have experienced similar issues or challenges - perhaps not. Either way, I will brief this experience, best that I can.
I was tremendously blessed with two parents that loved each other and worked their nails to the bones to ensure that my little brother and I had every need and desires fulfilled. My happiest times are honestly the ones that included the four of us - church, camping, trips to the creek, small vacations, yard football, yard baseball, ball games, school functions, activites, family gatherings, etc. My daddy always had a good job. He worked offshore and then became an 18-wheeler truck driver. My mother was a stay-at-home mom, but worked through our local school district as a bus driver and substitute teacher to make extra money until we got into junior high-school. My brother and I never had to stay in a day-care facility and we were only babysat by family on few occassions when our parents needed some quality time for themselves. This unity was my security and my link to defining who I felt that I was while growing up. I do remember some of the challenges faced in my family, but I think I was "protected" from most of them while growing up. The first challenge I remember was the loss of my close, 14-year-old first cousin, Lori Lynn Bond. I had just turned 16-years-old, so our ages were very close. She was the daughter of my mother's sister, Shirley Bond. The was a devasting loss to our family and we all are still healing from Lori Lynn's loss. I still continue to dream of her and will carry my childhood memories that have her in them with me, from now on. A comforting memory I have from dealing with her loss was when my brother and I slept with our daddy and mama for a few nights. There we were - the four of us sleeping in the same bed. I remember I did not want to be anywhere else.
As years passed on, my parents started having marital trouble. These troubles had been going on for a long time, I think. But, they started to become apparent when I was in high-school. I tried to ignore it, but deep down inside, I knew my shelter and security was falling apart. My heart hurt mostly for my younger brother, because I wondered what to do and how it would unfold. As I went off to junior college, I began learning more about myself and entered a whole new era of discoveries - good and bad. I wanted to forget about my home troubles and do anything I could to not think about it. I thought it would go away, if I would just not face it. I was losing my security, my family unity, and the only identity I ever knew. My heart was shattered and became numb to what I knew was the truth about my parents deciding to divorce. I will always regret how I immediately handled my parents' divorce, because the person that needed me the most was back at home - my younger brother. I was too immature and did not realize his need until later on. I had to "grow up" in order to be able to mentally be there for him and I am still not sure if I was a sufficient individual, even when I realized he needed me. I have prayed to God to please allow me to be that "big sister" for him.
February 2, 2003. This date will always haunt me. I will never get over this date. This was the ultimate emotional blow that I think I have ever had to face. On this day, my Daddy lost his life in a car wreck on I59, as he was headed home from Hattiesburg. He was the passenger of the vehicle that wrecked. He was ejected from the vehicle and his body was slammed against a tree next to the interstate. His body laid there in the freezing cold, until emergency officials showed up. His cowboy boots were slung off during the ejection. My Daddy was not a fan of seatbelts, so he did not have one on. However, we were told by officials that had he worn the seatbelt, he might still be alive, but he would be in a vegetable state or paralyzed, because of how tragic the wreck was on the passenger side of the car. I had not long been married when this happened. My Aunt Vickie called our house very early that morning and explained that Daddy had been involved in a wreck and that we needed to get to Forrest General Hospital as soon as we could. She stated that she and other family were also coming. I jumped in the shower screaming and shaking. Even though I did not know anything for sure, I felt lost. I could hear my Daddy saying my name while I was in the shower.... I knew, without it being confirmed. I screamed and begged God to please not let this be happening and be true. I asked God to let this be a nightmare.... I finally put my clothes on. When I got ready, my husband had his cousin Maegan and his parents already at our house and prepared to go to the hospital with us. We arrived to the hospital Emergency Room Dept. and I tried to ask the receptionist for information. She kept telling me that she knew nothing. I lashed out at her, through my purse at the wall - with all of my family standing there watching - and, then I got kicked out of the ER. I will always be humiliated at myself for handling it this way. I was just so upset and heartbroke. I wanted my Daddy and she could not tell me anything or give him to me. This was not her fault, though, and I have prayed to God for forgiveness in my insane actions that day. My family followed me outside of the hospital where I just lost myself. I think I even fell down - I can not remember. I vaguely remember my younger brother's face. That look will always break my heart. I do not remember much after that, but I do remember seeing my brother's hurt and knowing I could not help him. I remember yelling and screaming at my helplessness - I lost myself. I lost a huge piece of my heart that will never be returned. This little girl lost a part of her that day - her Daddy. The next tormental act was calling my Mama. She and my Daddy had been divorced, but they were high-school sweethearts and were married for most of their adult lives. I will never forget this.... Using my cellular phone, I dialed my Mama's phone number.... "Hello..." said, my Mother. I explained to Mama while crying and screaming about Daddy. The next thing I heard was my Mama yelling and then she through the phone. I waited for her and she got back on the phone, losing it like I had been losing it. She was devasted and screamed out, "No! No! No! Not my Rocky!" There is a lot that I just cannot remember. I have tried, but it is all black and blank....But, I will never forget having to tell my Mama about my Daddy. Picking out Daddy's clothes for his funeral and making the arrangements are all blurry. The funeral itself is not fully clear to me. I try to remember pieces of it, bit it is all not clear. The aftermath of Daddy's funeral is still fuzzy, as well. Even though I have managed to pick myself up off of that hospital parking lot on that nightmare day, I am still struggling with dealing with his loss and making life what it needs to be for my family.
Later on that year.... we lost our first pregnancy and then were told we had a slim chance of conceiving again and me being able to carry the baby to full term. My already shattered heart, became shattered again. My only chance of moving towards "life" to what I needed it to be was going to God and begging for mercy, and that is exactly what I did. I remember begging God to tell my Daddy that I missed him and that I just could not handle this. Finally.... Daddy came to me in a dream. The room was solid white, as to what I can recall. Daddy looked very young. He had on drape-type apparel and I remember thinking, "Daddy, what happened to your jeans, boots, and flannel shirt?!" Of course, those were just my immediate thoughts. Daddy told me, "Everything is going to be ok. She is with me and she helped you." He lifted up a very small, curly blonde-headed girl that had on the same drape-type apparel and he walked away, carrying her. I woke up with tears and swollen eyes that next morning and felt overwhelmed! I have always wondered if that was the baby that I loss. I do not know and realize that only God knows, but I will never forget this dream and encounter with my Daddy. In addition to this dream, I experienced many emotional encounters while praying to God and begging for Him to help me and I remember asking Him at times if he forgot about me. I remember asking Him what had I done. I had to get this out of me. The issues I had to deal with had to reach its peak and I had to lay it out to God, so that I could face it and realize what it had done to me and what it would continue doing to me, if I allowed it to. This did not happen in one prayer, one day, one night, or even one week - this happened many, many times. About a few months after losing the baby, I remember waking up one morning and feeling an overwhelming peace within myself. My husband had already left for work. I got up out of bed and cried out to God with thanks. I felt like so many weights and hurts and been removed and I honestly cannot explain it in words. I got dressed for work and went to work jamming out to the loudest, most uplifting music in my truck that morning. I smiled and I felt like everyone around me was smiling back. That night at supper, I told my husband that I had finally accepted God's will on us and our chance for having children. I told him I did want to continue seeing our doctor to improve any possible chances, but that I would accept any outcome. He agreed. We soon began looking at house plans and land, and I even considerd returning back to school at that time. By Christmas of that terrible year.... I became pregnant with our first-born son, Cole. After learning that I was expecting Cole, I had another memorable dream and encounter with Daddy. Dreams are always "fuzzy", when remembering them. In the dream, I was riding in an old blue, Ford truck with Daddy. Daddy had an old, blue Ford truck that is with my brother today. Daddy had on cut-off denim shorts and an old muscle shirt. He looked young and his hair was a lighter shade of blonde. He was smiling and pointing at the pretty fields, the river, and the big cabins. Then, he pointed at a huge, golden castle. He said, "Amy, this place has nothing on Mississippi! I want you to know that I am finally at rest and that I am not worried about a thing." At that point, it dawned on me that Daddy was actually dead, and not alive on earth. I asked him, "Daddy, what are you doing here? You're not alive, Daddy..." He said, "No, but I just wanted you to know that everything is ok and that you still have a lot to do." At that point, I looked down and realized I was riding in the truck with Daddy and had on P.J.'s I was embarrassed because I did not have on clothes! That is the last I can remember of that particular dream, or encounter with Daddy. I woke up crying and realized that the P.J.'s that I had been sleeping in were the same ones I had on while riding in the truck with Daddy. I needed that encounter with Daddy during that dream. Whether it was all in my mind or part of what God was allowing me have, I needed it, so bad.... I embraced my pregnancy with Cole with so much hope and thankfulness. There are no words for how I felt when I first heard his cry and got to hold that precious angel from God, that was also a part of my Daddy and what I had lost that previous year. A year later, we learned that our second-born daughter was on her way. Through the heartbreak, black, blank areas, God's promises are true. The plan that is laid out before us may seem tragic and dreadful, but He hears us and knows what is best. Had we not been able to conceive on our own, I have confidence that I would have been ok and I was already prepared to accept this as God's plan for me. But, I am so thankful He gave me a chance.
Nine years have passed since my Daddy left this earth and passed over the Jordan River into his Heavenly home. He is probably strolling on the golden streets or sitting out on the back porch of his "cabin castle" in God's Kingdom today and watching the horses of Heaven graze on the most glorious pastures. He might even be fishing with Lori Lynn in the most heavenly river - I still miss that man like crazy, either way. I get so mad at him for leaving when he did, but I have to remember that this was God's plan and that there will be a day when I will say my good-byes on this earth, too. I think about when I get to see Daddy's smile on that day for me. Goodness! I do not know if I will run, dance, or knock him down when I get to see him! Seeing my Heavenly Father, only King, and Saviour will a moment that I look forward to, so very much. I cannot wait to bow down and worship my King in His presence! I cannot wait to see his hands, that were nailed and scarred for me and then to physically touch His holy face..... Then, seeing my earthly Daddy will be another moment for me ..... This is our hope! "Oh, glorious day....."
There are some other obstacles that have occurred, along with other challenges that have been a part of molding and shaping me. I may add them to this at some later time. The ones that I have added here are the ones that I felt let to immediately share. Who knows if anyone will ever read this? Some may laugh and some may be in shock that I shared this. That is ok. I hope and pray that this may be an encourager and uplifter for anyone that has or is going through similar situations, as mine. The thing that I ask is that no one have any pity, but for you to please be encourager to someone else that has an emotional need and is crying out to feel God's love and mercy. The losses and emotional roller coaster that I have experienced has been a part of the road for me to travel and I am still on my journey down this road. I am sure there may be other "emotional bumps" on this road and I have continue my best to try to prepare for that. I am slowly putting the pieces of my heart and myself back together.
On a positive note, I am thankful for the time that I did get to have with my Daddy. I would not trade a ride in his truck or his fishing boat for anything extravagent in this earthly world! Thank-you, God, for giving him to me as my earthly Daddy during the time he was on this earth.
I was tremendously blessed with two parents that loved each other and worked their nails to the bones to ensure that my little brother and I had every need and desires fulfilled. My happiest times are honestly the ones that included the four of us - church, camping, trips to the creek, small vacations, yard football, yard baseball, ball games, school functions, activites, family gatherings, etc. My daddy always had a good job. He worked offshore and then became an 18-wheeler truck driver. My mother was a stay-at-home mom, but worked through our local school district as a bus driver and substitute teacher to make extra money until we got into junior high-school. My brother and I never had to stay in a day-care facility and we were only babysat by family on few occassions when our parents needed some quality time for themselves. This unity was my security and my link to defining who I felt that I was while growing up. I do remember some of the challenges faced in my family, but I think I was "protected" from most of them while growing up. The first challenge I remember was the loss of my close, 14-year-old first cousin, Lori Lynn Bond. I had just turned 16-years-old, so our ages were very close. She was the daughter of my mother's sister, Shirley Bond. The was a devasting loss to our family and we all are still healing from Lori Lynn's loss. I still continue to dream of her and will carry my childhood memories that have her in them with me, from now on. A comforting memory I have from dealing with her loss was when my brother and I slept with our daddy and mama for a few nights. There we were - the four of us sleeping in the same bed. I remember I did not want to be anywhere else.
As years passed on, my parents started having marital trouble. These troubles had been going on for a long time, I think. But, they started to become apparent when I was in high-school. I tried to ignore it, but deep down inside, I knew my shelter and security was falling apart. My heart hurt mostly for my younger brother, because I wondered what to do and how it would unfold. As I went off to junior college, I began learning more about myself and entered a whole new era of discoveries - good and bad. I wanted to forget about my home troubles and do anything I could to not think about it. I thought it would go away, if I would just not face it. I was losing my security, my family unity, and the only identity I ever knew. My heart was shattered and became numb to what I knew was the truth about my parents deciding to divorce. I will always regret how I immediately handled my parents' divorce, because the person that needed me the most was back at home - my younger brother. I was too immature and did not realize his need until later on. I had to "grow up" in order to be able to mentally be there for him and I am still not sure if I was a sufficient individual, even when I realized he needed me. I have prayed to God to please allow me to be that "big sister" for him.
My younger brother, Jason and me. April 2009.
February 2, 2003. This date will always haunt me. I will never get over this date. This was the ultimate emotional blow that I think I have ever had to face. On this day, my Daddy lost his life in a car wreck on I59, as he was headed home from Hattiesburg. He was the passenger of the vehicle that wrecked. He was ejected from the vehicle and his body was slammed against a tree next to the interstate. His body laid there in the freezing cold, until emergency officials showed up. His cowboy boots were slung off during the ejection. My Daddy was not a fan of seatbelts, so he did not have one on. However, we were told by officials that had he worn the seatbelt, he might still be alive, but he would be in a vegetable state or paralyzed, because of how tragic the wreck was on the passenger side of the car. I had not long been married when this happened. My Aunt Vickie called our house very early that morning and explained that Daddy had been involved in a wreck and that we needed to get to Forrest General Hospital as soon as we could. She stated that she and other family were also coming. I jumped in the shower screaming and shaking. Even though I did not know anything for sure, I felt lost. I could hear my Daddy saying my name while I was in the shower.... I knew, without it being confirmed. I screamed and begged God to please not let this be happening and be true. I asked God to let this be a nightmare.... I finally put my clothes on. When I got ready, my husband had his cousin Maegan and his parents already at our house and prepared to go to the hospital with us. We arrived to the hospital Emergency Room Dept. and I tried to ask the receptionist for information. She kept telling me that she knew nothing. I lashed out at her, through my purse at the wall - with all of my family standing there watching - and, then I got kicked out of the ER. I will always be humiliated at myself for handling it this way. I was just so upset and heartbroke. I wanted my Daddy and she could not tell me anything or give him to me. This was not her fault, though, and I have prayed to God for forgiveness in my insane actions that day. My family followed me outside of the hospital where I just lost myself. I think I even fell down - I can not remember. I vaguely remember my younger brother's face. That look will always break my heart. I do not remember much after that, but I do remember seeing my brother's hurt and knowing I could not help him. I remember yelling and screaming at my helplessness - I lost myself. I lost a huge piece of my heart that will never be returned. This little girl lost a part of her that day - her Daddy. The next tormental act was calling my Mama. She and my Daddy had been divorced, but they were high-school sweethearts and were married for most of their adult lives. I will never forget this.... Using my cellular phone, I dialed my Mama's phone number.... "Hello..." said, my Mother. I explained to Mama while crying and screaming about Daddy. The next thing I heard was my Mama yelling and then she through the phone. I waited for her and she got back on the phone, losing it like I had been losing it. She was devasted and screamed out, "No! No! No! Not my Rocky!" There is a lot that I just cannot remember. I have tried, but it is all black and blank....But, I will never forget having to tell my Mama about my Daddy. Picking out Daddy's clothes for his funeral and making the arrangements are all blurry. The funeral itself is not fully clear to me. I try to remember pieces of it, bit it is all not clear. The aftermath of Daddy's funeral is still fuzzy, as well. Even though I have managed to pick myself up off of that hospital parking lot on that nightmare day, I am still struggling with dealing with his loss and making life what it needs to be for my family.
Tractor ride with my Daddy.
Dancing with my Daddy at school dance during
my Senior year of high-school.
Later on that year.... we lost our first pregnancy and then were told we had a slim chance of conceiving again and me being able to carry the baby to full term. My already shattered heart, became shattered again. My only chance of moving towards "life" to what I needed it to be was going to God and begging for mercy, and that is exactly what I did. I remember begging God to tell my Daddy that I missed him and that I just could not handle this. Finally.... Daddy came to me in a dream. The room was solid white, as to what I can recall. Daddy looked very young. He had on drape-type apparel and I remember thinking, "Daddy, what happened to your jeans, boots, and flannel shirt?!" Of course, those were just my immediate thoughts. Daddy told me, "Everything is going to be ok. She is with me and she helped you." He lifted up a very small, curly blonde-headed girl that had on the same drape-type apparel and he walked away, carrying her. I woke up with tears and swollen eyes that next morning and felt overwhelmed! I have always wondered if that was the baby that I loss. I do not know and realize that only God knows, but I will never forget this dream and encounter with my Daddy. In addition to this dream, I experienced many emotional encounters while praying to God and begging for Him to help me and I remember asking Him at times if he forgot about me. I remember asking Him what had I done. I had to get this out of me. The issues I had to deal with had to reach its peak and I had to lay it out to God, so that I could face it and realize what it had done to me and what it would continue doing to me, if I allowed it to. This did not happen in one prayer, one day, one night, or even one week - this happened many, many times. About a few months after losing the baby, I remember waking up one morning and feeling an overwhelming peace within myself. My husband had already left for work. I got up out of bed and cried out to God with thanks. I felt like so many weights and hurts and been removed and I honestly cannot explain it in words. I got dressed for work and went to work jamming out to the loudest, most uplifting music in my truck that morning. I smiled and I felt like everyone around me was smiling back. That night at supper, I told my husband that I had finally accepted God's will on us and our chance for having children. I told him I did want to continue seeing our doctor to improve any possible chances, but that I would accept any outcome. He agreed. We soon began looking at house plans and land, and I even considerd returning back to school at that time. By Christmas of that terrible year.... I became pregnant with our first-born son, Cole. After learning that I was expecting Cole, I had another memorable dream and encounter with Daddy. Dreams are always "fuzzy", when remembering them. In the dream, I was riding in an old blue, Ford truck with Daddy. Daddy had an old, blue Ford truck that is with my brother today. Daddy had on cut-off denim shorts and an old muscle shirt. He looked young and his hair was a lighter shade of blonde. He was smiling and pointing at the pretty fields, the river, and the big cabins. Then, he pointed at a huge, golden castle. He said, "Amy, this place has nothing on Mississippi! I want you to know that I am finally at rest and that I am not worried about a thing." At that point, it dawned on me that Daddy was actually dead, and not alive on earth. I asked him, "Daddy, what are you doing here? You're not alive, Daddy..." He said, "No, but I just wanted you to know that everything is ok and that you still have a lot to do." At that point, I looked down and realized I was riding in the truck with Daddy and had on P.J.'s I was embarrassed because I did not have on clothes! That is the last I can remember of that particular dream, or encounter with Daddy. I woke up crying and realized that the P.J.'s that I had been sleeping in were the same ones I had on while riding in the truck with Daddy. I needed that encounter with Daddy during that dream. Whether it was all in my mind or part of what God was allowing me have, I needed it, so bad.... I embraced my pregnancy with Cole with so much hope and thankfulness. There are no words for how I felt when I first heard his cry and got to hold that precious angel from God, that was also a part of my Daddy and what I had lost that previous year. A year later, we learned that our second-born daughter was on her way. Through the heartbreak, black, blank areas, God's promises are true. The plan that is laid out before us may seem tragic and dreadful, but He hears us and knows what is best. Had we not been able to conceive on our own, I have confidence that I would have been ok and I was already prepared to accept this as God's plan for me. But, I am so thankful He gave me a chance.
Cole, Kara, & Tango. Christmas 2011
Nine years have passed since my Daddy left this earth and passed over the Jordan River into his Heavenly home. He is probably strolling on the golden streets or sitting out on the back porch of his "cabin castle" in God's Kingdom today and watching the horses of Heaven graze on the most glorious pastures. He might even be fishing with Lori Lynn in the most heavenly river - I still miss that man like crazy, either way. I get so mad at him for leaving when he did, but I have to remember that this was God's plan and that there will be a day when I will say my good-byes on this earth, too. I think about when I get to see Daddy's smile on that day for me. Goodness! I do not know if I will run, dance, or knock him down when I get to see him! Seeing my Heavenly Father, only King, and Saviour will a moment that I look forward to, so very much. I cannot wait to bow down and worship my King in His presence! I cannot wait to see his hands, that were nailed and scarred for me and then to physically touch His holy face..... Then, seeing my earthly Daddy will be another moment for me ..... This is our hope! "Oh, glorious day....."
There are some other obstacles that have occurred, along with other challenges that have been a part of molding and shaping me. I may add them to this at some later time. The ones that I have added here are the ones that I felt let to immediately share. Who knows if anyone will ever read this? Some may laugh and some may be in shock that I shared this. That is ok. I hope and pray that this may be an encourager and uplifter for anyone that has or is going through similar situations, as mine. The thing that I ask is that no one have any pity, but for you to please be encourager to someone else that has an emotional need and is crying out to feel God's love and mercy. The losses and emotional roller coaster that I have experienced has been a part of the road for me to travel and I am still on my journey down this road. I am sure there may be other "emotional bumps" on this road and I have continue my best to try to prepare for that. I am slowly putting the pieces of my heart and myself back together.
Spradley Family
Christmas Picture, 2010
On a positive note, I am thankful for the time that I did get to have with my Daddy. I would not trade a ride in his truck or his fishing boat for anything extravagent in this earthly world! Thank-you, God, for giving him to me as my earthly Daddy during the time he was on this earth.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Little Town. Big Town.
As a small town girl that now lives in a bigger town, I regularly see the differences in living in the two, even though the towns are in the same state and only about an hour away from each other. With me growing up in a small town, it is probably natural that I feel a better connection with the ways of a small town. I feel that is ok, though! That defines how I was raised, my ways, my norm, and feelings about issues and the ways within a town. Perhaps, I have a "Mayberry" kind of connection to how I feel about small towns.
I was born and raised in the small town of Lumberton, MS and my family has deep roots within that part of Mississippi. Many people that live in or around Lumberton have probably heard Lumberton mentioned on the news or other media, and a good bit of it may have been negative information. "There is no money left.... The mayor has done this or that.... All of the businesses are closing.... Only a particular race group lives there... The school is not up-to-date.... The school is a ___ school.... " Every time I hear something negative about Lumberton, I get rubbed the wrong way. I find myself defending the town and people, naturally. What I find is very sad is how people that grew up there, along with having family settled there years before their time, are part of the criticizing. What a shame and disgrace! That town provided a place for their homes to be built, provided stores that fed them, provided other people to build relationships (friends) with, provided churches to freely worship God as chosen, provided a small school to give them the education they are functioning off of today, and implanted a bunch of memories that are probably some of the most precious ones they will ever hold close! Perhaps, they are just trying to fit in with a specific group of people that use to point a negative finger to the small town of Lumberton. This still does not allow it to be acceptable, considering the blessings they received while growing up there. This town was considered a blessing from God by having a place to LIVE and GROW.
I feel that I can strongly state how I feel about this, simply because for the last decade, I have been living in a larger town. I live in Laurel, where there is a Wal-Mart, a shopping mall, a movie cinema, restaurant chains, more than enough churches, and my children get to attend a 5A school within the county. Many times, I have felt out of place in Laurel and like I do not belong here. I think that this is a natural way of feeling, considering that I come from a much smaller town and attended a 2A school while growing up. Even though the distance between Laurel and Lumberton is about an hour, the differences between the two towns are considerable. The way people conduct business, the outlook of the purpose of the churches, the schools, and the people are all different. I still get asked all of the time when I am out and about in Laurel where I am from, because of my southern accent. (I am still trying to figure that one out - are these folks originally from the north part of the country, or what?!) At first, I did not really mind it, but after about 10 years, it does get old and feels like an insult. I am not trying to lash out at the folks in Laurel, but I am being honest and stating how being asked numerous times, "Where are you from?" gets old. I have a right to take up for myself. ;-) Honestly, I have long learned to laugh this off and I always proudly tell them, "I am from Lumberton".
Having said that, let me clear myself in a "touchy" area and state that I do not dislike Laurel or its surroundings. I actually feel that Laurel, along with all of Jones County, is a good place to call home. There are a number of benefits from living in a larger town versus a small town. Living in a larger town, like Laurel, has allowed me to also see its advantages. The options for being closer to businesses to provide people with their daily needs, along with having children the opportunity to be a part in a bigger school, along with a number of activities is a plus. If my children get sick, I can drive about 10 minutes to the doctor and have them cared for appropriately and this is definitely important. Our children also are able to be part of an incredible children's ministry through our church that we are involved in. I am truly grateful for these advantages and additional opportunities, as I well know that living in a smaller town has limits, as far as these.
Having a husband that grew up in Laurel, I well know how he feels "at home" by being settled in Laurel. (Much like I feel "at home" in Lumberton.) After the birth of our second child back in 2006, my husband received a wonderful job opportunity and we nearly moved to Jackson, MS. I was in full support of us relocating, simply because I felt that I had already up-rooted myself from my normal territory of raising and I wanted my husband to have the best opportunity of success for himself. He was actually excited about the move, and so was I. After we found a house that we were approved for and it started to look like we were seriously preparing to move, he got really down and depressed for few days. I realized what it was, because I knew that feeling. When he was ready, he admitted to me he just could not leave Jones County and his immediate family around Laurel. He got emotional and told me that he had a feeling deep inside that we needed to stay. I told him that I supported him wanting to stay and I would support what he felt was best - so, we cancelled our offer on the house and we stayed. Simple as that. Well, in a way it was simple... Our home we were living in at that time in Laurel had sold, so we had to find another home, which has ended up being ok, because my husband already had land. We managed to do what we needed to do to ensure that we could establish another home and my husband continued doing what he loves to do, which is working for himself as a floor installer. This experience definitely brought me back to how I missed my hometown of Lumberton, just as my husband was feeling like he was about to abandon his hometown of Laurel.
I often get so homesick when I rewind to all of my fond memories while living in Lumberton, MS. Some of my favorite memories while in Lumberton are: Going to the park, going to the former Rheams Jewelry Store, the Piggly Wiggly/Greers to get groceries with my mama, marching in the band from the band hall to the football field for games, being a cheerleader and throwing plastic footballs to the fans, seeing my teachers from school in town and them recognizing who I was, knowing that the teachers grew up with my parents, making the best of friends at school, the old Bill's Dollar Store that seemed to have just what we needed, learning to drive down Main Street, the Lights of Lumberton, the baseball games at the field by the park, Panther Stadium, (Oh, the thrill of a smalltown football game!), the homecoming parade, going to the the old Davis Cleaners, going with my family to get medication at John's Discount Drugstore, going to the Post Office and not having to wait in a long line, my list could go on .... The people, the businesses, the churches, and the ways were just simple and kind. I had some of the best friends while growing up in Lumberton. It did not matter if their parents were poor or rich, if they wered, red, black or white, lived on the west or the east side - those factors were not a part of how I made my friends while growing up in Lumberton. The quality of the character is how I made my friends growing up in Lumberton and, I still honor this today. I think that a combination of my parents up-bringing, positive influences from those that I was around daily, and being a part of a small town contributed to the quality of my friendships. As I make my regular visits to my hometown of Lumberton, MS, as I see the "Lumberton" sign off of the interstate, I feel that I am getting a big "welcome home" hug. Every time I go to Lumberton, I usually always run into people that I know, that watched me grow up, or grew up with me. The feeling of belonging somewhere is what I always experience. I think that I will always feel this way about Lumberton, MS....... The relationships that I built while growing up there still remain strong and true today.
I felt I needed to share my personal feelings in this blog, so that I can explain how I have noticed the differences in being a part of a small town and big town. I have not intended on criticizing either of the two towns mentioned, but rather wanted to share my outlook and explain how I personally feel about it. Who knows? Maybe someone else feels like this? A part of me also felt led to defend my hometown, as well. I am tremendously blessed to have had the opportunity to grow up in the small town of Lumberton and to now be a part of the bigger town of Laurel. I enjoy the life that I have built with my husband and our two wonderful children we share in Jones County. I respect the town of Laurel, my family through my husband, my friends that I have made here, all of the people, and I will do my best to serve the town and county as a civil resident and raise my children to do the same. However, Lumberton, MS will always remain as the place where my roots embedded and this small part of South Mississippi will always be a part of me - this small town resembles who I am, how I feel about certain issues, and it is where I come from, and I am proud of having the chance to grow up there.
I was born and raised in the small town of Lumberton, MS and my family has deep roots within that part of Mississippi. Many people that live in or around Lumberton have probably heard Lumberton mentioned on the news or other media, and a good bit of it may have been negative information. "There is no money left.... The mayor has done this or that.... All of the businesses are closing.... Only a particular race group lives there... The school is not up-to-date.... The school is a ___ school.... " Every time I hear something negative about Lumberton, I get rubbed the wrong way. I find myself defending the town and people, naturally. What I find is very sad is how people that grew up there, along with having family settled there years before their time, are part of the criticizing. What a shame and disgrace! That town provided a place for their homes to be built, provided stores that fed them, provided other people to build relationships (friends) with, provided churches to freely worship God as chosen, provided a small school to give them the education they are functioning off of today, and implanted a bunch of memories that are probably some of the most precious ones they will ever hold close! Perhaps, they are just trying to fit in with a specific group of people that use to point a negative finger to the small town of Lumberton. This still does not allow it to be acceptable, considering the blessings they received while growing up there. This town was considered a blessing from God by having a place to LIVE and GROW.
I feel that I can strongly state how I feel about this, simply because for the last decade, I have been living in a larger town. I live in Laurel, where there is a Wal-Mart, a shopping mall, a movie cinema, restaurant chains, more than enough churches, and my children get to attend a 5A school within the county. Many times, I have felt out of place in Laurel and like I do not belong here. I think that this is a natural way of feeling, considering that I come from a much smaller town and attended a 2A school while growing up. Even though the distance between Laurel and Lumberton is about an hour, the differences between the two towns are considerable. The way people conduct business, the outlook of the purpose of the churches, the schools, and the people are all different. I still get asked all of the time when I am out and about in Laurel where I am from, because of my southern accent. (I am still trying to figure that one out - are these folks originally from the north part of the country, or what?!) At first, I did not really mind it, but after about 10 years, it does get old and feels like an insult. I am not trying to lash out at the folks in Laurel, but I am being honest and stating how being asked numerous times, "Where are you from?" gets old. I have a right to take up for myself. ;-) Honestly, I have long learned to laugh this off and I always proudly tell them, "I am from Lumberton".
Having said that, let me clear myself in a "touchy" area and state that I do not dislike Laurel or its surroundings. I actually feel that Laurel, along with all of Jones County, is a good place to call home. There are a number of benefits from living in a larger town versus a small town. Living in a larger town, like Laurel, has allowed me to also see its advantages. The options for being closer to businesses to provide people with their daily needs, along with having children the opportunity to be a part in a bigger school, along with a number of activities is a plus. If my children get sick, I can drive about 10 minutes to the doctor and have them cared for appropriately and this is definitely important. Our children also are able to be part of an incredible children's ministry through our church that we are involved in. I am truly grateful for these advantages and additional opportunities, as I well know that living in a smaller town has limits, as far as these.
Having a husband that grew up in Laurel, I well know how he feels "at home" by being settled in Laurel. (Much like I feel "at home" in Lumberton.) After the birth of our second child back in 2006, my husband received a wonderful job opportunity and we nearly moved to Jackson, MS. I was in full support of us relocating, simply because I felt that I had already up-rooted myself from my normal territory of raising and I wanted my husband to have the best opportunity of success for himself. He was actually excited about the move, and so was I. After we found a house that we were approved for and it started to look like we were seriously preparing to move, he got really down and depressed for few days. I realized what it was, because I knew that feeling. When he was ready, he admitted to me he just could not leave Jones County and his immediate family around Laurel. He got emotional and told me that he had a feeling deep inside that we needed to stay. I told him that I supported him wanting to stay and I would support what he felt was best - so, we cancelled our offer on the house and we stayed. Simple as that. Well, in a way it was simple... Our home we were living in at that time in Laurel had sold, so we had to find another home, which has ended up being ok, because my husband already had land. We managed to do what we needed to do to ensure that we could establish another home and my husband continued doing what he loves to do, which is working for himself as a floor installer. This experience definitely brought me back to how I missed my hometown of Lumberton, just as my husband was feeling like he was about to abandon his hometown of Laurel.
Above photo: City Hall of Laurel. Retrieved from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/courthouselover/3125450399/
Above photo: Jones County Courthouse for Laurel and Ellisville. Retrieved from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/courthouselover/3125450441/
Above Photo: Lumberton Post Office on Hwy 11, retrieved from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/patrick_q/244696913/
Above Photo: Davis Cleaners on Main Street of Lumberton, retrieved from:http://www.flickr.com/photos/patrick_q/250040439/
Above photo: Some of the 1995 - 1996 LHS Cheerleaders,
Retrieved from the LHS 1996 annual.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
The Light is Blinking
Almost another year... that is how long it has been since I last posted on here. (Shame on me!) My reason for this is because I have been living inside of a whirl wind and trying to keep up! Is that really a good excuse? Every time I have gotten on the computer, it has mostly been to prepare school assignments, pay bills, check emails, and try to keep up with my Facebook account, so that folks think that I am still among the living. This Summer has truly been a challenging one for me and it is flying right past me. I have been trying to keep my sweet kiddos happy, my wonderful husband taken care of, and trying to finish my final trimester of the program I am in at William Carey University.
Have I mentioned how wonderful husband? I think that I have. :) He has really been there for me this Summer. He has encouraged me, taken extra time with the kids, cooked (Yes! Really!!!), and has done a lot of extra things that he normally does not have to do. Cole and Kara have been really busy this Summer with their activities. They are learning how to ride their ponies and have been in a horse show almost every weekend. What joy they bring my heart, especially when I see how much they enjoy learning to ride! Cole has been spending "dude time" with his daddy a lot. They have been riding horses together, going to the deer camp, playing yard football, 4-wheelin'...all of that fun stuff they like to get into! Kara has been going with them some - when they let her. ;-) She has been practicing with her flag cheerleading squad and practicing gymnastics. Yes, we are busy! But, I can not imagine it any other way.
For the past month, on top of keeping up with my school assignment in my 2 summer courses - my last 2 courses, by the way! In addition to keeping up with what is going on in my courses, I have also been busy researching and trying to brush up my writing skills for my master comprehensive exams. Talk about having your nerves worked on and feeling stressed to the max! (Whew!) I started preparing at the first of the Spring, but I really started focusing on it during May. I am honestly not sure I fully prepared for it the way that I needed to. On July 7th, bright and early, I took my comprehensive exam at William Carey University. My drive to the campus felt like it was the quickest drive ever. I remember as I pulled up to the security guard at the entrance gate, I was thinking to myself, "What! I am here already!?" I parked my truck, gathered my materials (pencils, student ID, money), and walked to the building where I was scheduled to take my exam. Several students were there and I found 2 of my classmates and joined them. We briefly had a chance to say, "hello", and , and then Dr. Morris opened the door and said it was time. After I checked in, I went to the restroom and thought I may vomit. (Sorry! I was a nervous gal!) I did not vomit after all, thank God! I told myself, "Amy! Get a grip! Pray! Focus! Calm your end down!" I walked to the classroom that I was assigned to take my exam and patiently waited with the other students assigned in the classroom with me. The proctor professor finally came in. She was such a pleasant woman! She encouraged us and she prayed with us. I felt immediate peace within myself. Dr. Morris soon came in. He provided us with directions and prayed with us, as well. After he left, the proctor professor began with specific instructions and started passing out envelopes that contained our questions to choose from. For my program, I was required to answer 1 questions and then I could choose 2 questions. We had an hour per questions. The exam was handwritten with pencil and needed to be around 500 words. As I opened my envelope, I saw my question list and was both nervous and thankful.
Show time! I started my exam and felt shaky, but was praying that I was remembering all of the information and resources that I needed. After I answered my 3 questions, I looked up at the time and there was still 30 minutes left. I thought,"Oh, no! I finished early? I hope my answers are not too short!" So, I quickly scanned over my answers for any errors, but I was so nervous, I do not know if it helped! I decided to pray and turn my examination booklets in to the proctor professor. I left the campus with so many feelings and emotions. Part of me was so thankful and the other part was a nervous wreck! As of now, I still do not know if I have passed that exam or failed. I am trying to be open minded about it. If I pass, it will be a relief and I will feel very thankful! If I fail, I will just try again. I admit, I am not a good school paper writing type of gal. I have always loved English and did really well, but when it comes to all of the do's and don'ts for writing research papers and article reviews, I guess I just write and accidentally forget all of those writing rules. Being a college student has tremendously helped me in that area. Regardless of the outcome of my comprehensive exam results, at least I am almost done with my final 2 classes! If I pass those 2 classes and pass the comps, I can graduate in August! What a hopeful feeling! I can almost see the light! The light is blinking!
***I have no idea why part of this is highlighted white. I have tried to correct it, but the correction will not save. Must be a buggy issue or something.
Going back to school and finishing what I started during my junior college years has allowed me to grow in so many ways. As of now, I do not have a job. I am going to have faith that God has a plan for me, pass out my resume, and take it one day at a time. If you are reading my post and know of a job for me, let me know. :) I am first and foremost a child of God, a wife, and a mama, so that job will be a priority, of course. Thank-you for reading my post. God bless.
Have I mentioned how wonderful husband? I think that I have. :) He has really been there for me this Summer. He has encouraged me, taken extra time with the kids, cooked (Yes! Really!!!), and has done a lot of extra things that he normally does not have to do. Cole and Kara have been really busy this Summer with their activities. They are learning how to ride their ponies and have been in a horse show almost every weekend. What joy they bring my heart, especially when I see how much they enjoy learning to ride! Cole has been spending "dude time" with his daddy a lot. They have been riding horses together, going to the deer camp, playing yard football, 4-wheelin'...all of that fun stuff they like to get into! Kara has been going with them some - when they let her. ;-) She has been practicing with her flag cheerleading squad and practicing gymnastics. Yes, we are busy! But, I can not imagine it any other way.
For the past month, on top of keeping up with my school assignment in my 2 summer courses - my last 2 courses, by the way! In addition to keeping up with what is going on in my courses, I have also been busy researching and trying to brush up my writing skills for my master comprehensive exams. Talk about having your nerves worked on and feeling stressed to the max! (Whew!) I started preparing at the first of the Spring, but I really started focusing on it during May. I am honestly not sure I fully prepared for it the way that I needed to. On July 7th, bright and early, I took my comprehensive exam at William Carey University. My drive to the campus felt like it was the quickest drive ever. I remember as I pulled up to the security guard at the entrance gate, I was thinking to myself, "What! I am here already!?" I parked my truck, gathered my materials (pencils, student ID, money), and walked to the building where I was scheduled to take my exam. Several students were there and I found 2 of my classmates and joined them. We briefly had a chance to say, "hello", and , and then Dr. Morris opened the door and said it was time. After I checked in, I went to the restroom and thought I may vomit. (Sorry! I was a nervous gal!) I did not vomit after all, thank God! I told myself, "Amy! Get a grip! Pray! Focus! Calm your end down!" I walked to the classroom that I was assigned to take my exam and patiently waited with the other students assigned in the classroom with me. The proctor professor finally came in. She was such a pleasant woman! She encouraged us and she prayed with us. I felt immediate peace within myself. Dr. Morris soon came in. He provided us with directions and prayed with us, as well. After he left, the proctor professor began with specific instructions and started passing out envelopes that contained our questions to choose from. For my program, I was required to answer 1 questions and then I could choose 2 questions. We had an hour per questions. The exam was handwritten with pencil and needed to be around 500 words. As I opened my envelope, I saw my question list and was both nervous and thankful.
Show time! I started my exam and felt shaky, but was praying that I was remembering all of the information and resources that I needed. After I answered my 3 questions, I looked up at the time and there was still 30 minutes left. I thought,"Oh, no! I finished early? I hope my answers are not too short!" So, I quickly scanned over my answers for any errors, but I was so nervous, I do not know if it helped! I decided to pray and turn my examination booklets in to the proctor professor. I left the campus with so many feelings and emotions. Part of me was so thankful and the other part was a nervous wreck! As of now, I still do not know if I have passed that exam or failed. I am trying to be open minded about it. If I pass, it will be a relief and I will feel very thankful! If I fail, I will just try again. I admit, I am not a good school paper writing type of gal. I have always loved English and did really well, but when it comes to all of the do's and don'ts for writing research papers and article reviews, I guess I just write and accidentally forget all of those writing rules. Being a college student has tremendously helped me in that area. Regardless of the outcome of my comprehensive exam results, at least I am almost done with my final 2 classes! If I pass those 2 classes and pass the comps, I can graduate in August! What a hopeful feeling! I can almost see the light! The light is blinking!
***I have no idea why part of this is highlighted white. I have tried to correct it, but the correction will not save. Must be a buggy issue or something.
Going back to school and finishing what I started during my junior college years has allowed me to grow in so many ways. As of now, I do not have a job. I am going to have faith that God has a plan for me, pass out my resume, and take it one day at a time. If you are reading my post and know of a job for me, let me know. :) I am first and foremost a child of God, a wife, and a mama, so that job will be a priority, of course. Thank-you for reading my post. God bless.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Here Lately
The time has passed by so quickly since I last posted on this site. My last post was almost a year ago. Since then, I have had many things to take place. I completed one long journey, and began a new one. Both of my children completed one grade level and have already began their next grade level. With all of our busy schedules, one thing remains the exact same in our lives and that is how amazed I am at God's mercy and grace upon my family and me. He has continued to sustain us and has been more faithful to us than we could ever deserve.
My son, Cole, just started the 2nd grade. I have to admit that we're still adjusting to how things work for the 2nd grade and we're trying to get accustomed to what's expected. Cole has home-work each day, along with a reading assignment. He always amazes me with what he is learning! On top of adjusting to the 2nd grade, he's began football practice for this season and continuing to ride the horse, Tango, that he shares with his sister, Kara. Each day, Cole is so eager to help us out on our little farm. He feeds the chickens, pig, dogs, cat, and the horses and loves it!
My daughter, Kara, just started K5, or what we call the "Big School". What an emotional and exciting day! I was the emotional one and she was excited! Kara had been in a part-time pre-school, so she was use to school, in some ways. We're adjusting to her being in the "Big School" and getting into that routine. She has home-work on Tuesdays and Thursdays, along with reading a list of Sight Words each week. She's been staying busy with her pee-wee cheer squad and has been riding her pony, 'Lil Bit. She's also been learning how to ride the big horse, Tango. Kara is also a little helper, when it comes to our animals that we take care of. I have to watch her closely, though. She sees no danger in anything!
My wonderful husband is continuing to stay busy with contract jobs for his flooring business. I'll be honest, there are ups and there are downs, but God is always on time! Tom has been such a strong back-bone for our family. His encouragement and strength is the main reason that I've been able to take time out from my full-time career and have more time with the children, as well as further my education. He is an inspiration to me, more than I can describe. This November, we'll be married for 10 years. Wow!
As for me, I'm staying focused on my kids and husband and they're keeping me on the go, and I love it! Whether it's good times, bad times, easy times, or hard times, they are what matter the most. I'm in my 2nd trimester for the Master of Education Degree in Career and Technical Education program at William Carey University. This program was a path that I felt was a great direction for me because of my vocational background and work experience with my particular field. I'm really enjoying the program! I love a good challenge and this program has definitely provided that for me and I feel that the material being presented is preparing me for some great future opportunities. In addition to my studies, I've been serving as a sub for some of the schools in my area - mainly the Vo.-Tech. What a blessing! The students I've shared the day with during this new school year have blessed me beyond measure. I should also add that it's definitely aiding in my classroom skills that I had leanred after student teaching for my Practicum last year, and that's a plus, too!
I thank God for giving us all that He has and sustaining us!
The picture below is of Cole and Kara getting ready to go to the Southern Stampede Rodeo in Hattiesburg, MS this past weekend. They had an awesome time and had the chance to meet the famous cowboy Mr. Cody Harris from CMT's show "Sweet Home Alabama".
My son, Cole, just started the 2nd grade. I have to admit that we're still adjusting to how things work for the 2nd grade and we're trying to get accustomed to what's expected. Cole has home-work each day, along with a reading assignment. He always amazes me with what he is learning! On top of adjusting to the 2nd grade, he's began football practice for this season and continuing to ride the horse, Tango, that he shares with his sister, Kara. Each day, Cole is so eager to help us out on our little farm. He feeds the chickens, pig, dogs, cat, and the horses and loves it!
My daughter, Kara, just started K5, or what we call the "Big School". What an emotional and exciting day! I was the emotional one and she was excited! Kara had been in a part-time pre-school, so she was use to school, in some ways. We're adjusting to her being in the "Big School" and getting into that routine. She has home-work on Tuesdays and Thursdays, along with reading a list of Sight Words each week. She's been staying busy with her pee-wee cheer squad and has been riding her pony, 'Lil Bit. She's also been learning how to ride the big horse, Tango. Kara is also a little helper, when it comes to our animals that we take care of. I have to watch her closely, though. She sees no danger in anything!
My wonderful husband is continuing to stay busy with contract jobs for his flooring business. I'll be honest, there are ups and there are downs, but God is always on time! Tom has been such a strong back-bone for our family. His encouragement and strength is the main reason that I've been able to take time out from my full-time career and have more time with the children, as well as further my education. He is an inspiration to me, more than I can describe. This November, we'll be married for 10 years. Wow!
As for me, I'm staying focused on my kids and husband and they're keeping me on the go, and I love it! Whether it's good times, bad times, easy times, or hard times, they are what matter the most. I'm in my 2nd trimester for the Master of Education Degree in Career and Technical Education program at William Carey University. This program was a path that I felt was a great direction for me because of my vocational background and work experience with my particular field. I'm really enjoying the program! I love a good challenge and this program has definitely provided that for me and I feel that the material being presented is preparing me for some great future opportunities. In addition to my studies, I've been serving as a sub for some of the schools in my area - mainly the Vo.-Tech. What a blessing! The students I've shared the day with during this new school year have blessed me beyond measure. I should also add that it's definitely aiding in my classroom skills that I had leanred after student teaching for my Practicum last year, and that's a plus, too!
I thank God for giving us all that He has and sustaining us!
The picture below is of Cole and Kara getting ready to go to the Southern Stampede Rodeo in Hattiesburg, MS this past weekend. They had an awesome time and had the chance to meet the famous cowboy Mr. Cody Harris from CMT's show "Sweet Home Alabama".
Monday, September 20, 2010
Reflecting on my priorities
With school starting back, I honestly don't know if we are coming or going. I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels that way. But, while I ramble about being so crazy/busy, the reminder of how blessed we are lingers in my mind as a reason why we are so crazy/busy.
This has also reminded me of where my priorities should be, too. With everything going on so fast, I still want to make sure that my kids see a good example in me. Honestly speaking, I haven't felt like I've been the best example by letting all of our "stuff" interfere with Bible time and that family time where we just sit and talk. Well, this usually consists of Cole asking every question he can think about while we try to answer them. Anyway, we've allowed the busy-ness of life to just come in and make things crazy. So, feeling the conviction in my heart, I have made it my personal mission to make sure that my kids and I discuss a Bible story lesson every day. Whether it's at meal time, bed time, or going down the road, the need for discussing God and His purpose is so necessary, especially to our little ones. When we do this, I allow them to take turns praying. We have been doing this for a while now and I can't express what this is meaning to me as their mother. There is truly nothing like it when you hear your little one humble themselves before our Heavenly Father.
I've realized a lot through this. Priorities are a serious thing in anyone's life and can have drastic effects, if they are not organized. This is where I feel I should stand: 1. God 2. Family (Husband & kids) 3. Extended family and close friends. After those 3, everything else can pretty much a take a number a wait! I realized that my wagon has definitely been over-loaded and that it's time to unload the trash. This sounds so harsh, but really it's the truth.
In the last month, I've accidentally realized that some family and friends that I've thought cares for me, really doesn't care all that much. Amazing how we realize who we really don't need "trashing" up our life? This can be making us feel depressed, unworthy, ugly, drag down our self-esteem...the list goes on! It can range from family to our closest of friends! It's funny to me now, mainly because so many individuals that I have "thought" were honest, good, realiable friends, really aren't. Hurt - definitely. But, that's ok. This has made me realize my priorites, as well as a few other important things. I continue to pray for these individuals, love them, and would do anything to help them. The other thing that I was reminded about as I pondered in my mind about this was that it's not all about them. Why am I even concerned about how they've hurt my feelings by their dishonesty or selfishness? They're merely human beings living in the same imperfect world that I'm living in. This goes along with helping me realize who should really come first in my life, as well as theirs - God. It's about Him and His kingdom. It's not about them and what they have going on. Petty issues and drama do not matter. They will come and go, but His kingdom will firmly stand. So, I pray that God continues to convict my heart to be the example He needs me to be for these precious children that He's given to me to raise in this worldly-world.
This has also reminded me of where my priorities should be, too. With everything going on so fast, I still want to make sure that my kids see a good example in me. Honestly speaking, I haven't felt like I've been the best example by letting all of our "stuff" interfere with Bible time and that family time where we just sit and talk. Well, this usually consists of Cole asking every question he can think about while we try to answer them. Anyway, we've allowed the busy-ness of life to just come in and make things crazy. So, feeling the conviction in my heart, I have made it my personal mission to make sure that my kids and I discuss a Bible story lesson every day. Whether it's at meal time, bed time, or going down the road, the need for discussing God and His purpose is so necessary, especially to our little ones. When we do this, I allow them to take turns praying. We have been doing this for a while now and I can't express what this is meaning to me as their mother. There is truly nothing like it when you hear your little one humble themselves before our Heavenly Father.
I've realized a lot through this. Priorities are a serious thing in anyone's life and can have drastic effects, if they are not organized. This is where I feel I should stand: 1. God 2. Family (Husband & kids) 3. Extended family and close friends. After those 3, everything else can pretty much a take a number a wait! I realized that my wagon has definitely been over-loaded and that it's time to unload the trash. This sounds so harsh, but really it's the truth.
In the last month, I've accidentally realized that some family and friends that I've thought cares for me, really doesn't care all that much. Amazing how we realize who we really don't need "trashing" up our life? This can be making us feel depressed, unworthy, ugly, drag down our self-esteem...the list goes on! It can range from family to our closest of friends! It's funny to me now, mainly because so many individuals that I have "thought" were honest, good, realiable friends, really aren't. Hurt - definitely. But, that's ok. This has made me realize my priorites, as well as a few other important things. I continue to pray for these individuals, love them, and would do anything to help them. The other thing that I was reminded about as I pondered in my mind about this was that it's not all about them. Why am I even concerned about how they've hurt my feelings by their dishonesty or selfishness? They're merely human beings living in the same imperfect world that I'm living in. This goes along with helping me realize who should really come first in my life, as well as theirs - God. It's about Him and His kingdom. It's not about them and what they have going on. Petty issues and drama do not matter. They will come and go, but His kingdom will firmly stand. So, I pray that God continues to convict my heart to be the example He needs me to be for these precious children that He's given to me to raise in this worldly-world.
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